Back to the present

With such the huge change has just occurred in my life, I realize that most of the sadness I feel is about the future. All the hopes and dreams that Dave and I built together now have to be buried and mourned. I am making a concerted effort to live more in the present: the only place where I can actually make a change.

I can't express enough how much I have been enjoying my time with my new girlfriends. When we talk, I realize how far into the future I was living my life. I wasn't enjoying and experiencing each day to its fullest. I was planning for what was to come, what I wanted to do, and what I was dreaming of. Things would get better in my vision of the future, so much so that the present was almost non-existent.

These days, I try to just sit with my friends and be with them. We share our lives with each other, bare our souls, and enjoy each other's company. I'm embarrassed to say that I have been living so much in the future that I wasn't listening to my friends as much as I should have. I wasn't concerned as much with the little things that were going on in their lives. I sort of pushed those details aside and wanted them to come with me to the future.

But, now I see that when one of my friends has a small tiff with her boyfriend and she wants to talk to me, I listen. I don't offer advice; I just try to be with her and support her in any way she needs. I learned to be this way again thanks to my new best girlfriend, Julia. She has been so very present in my life at this time of great change, and I am so grateful to her for holding my hand and listening to me air out my thoughts.

And, I have also received so many warm, thoughtful, and supportive messages from numerous people who read my blog and each time I cry (which is good). It is an amazing feeling for me to feel so connected. Sometimes, sadness and grief have a way of making us detach from others, yet I have not been allowed to do too much withdrawing this time, which has been a tremendous gift to me and my heart.

I am so happy that once again I am finding out what being a friend is, what having a true friend is like, and what living in the present moment offers me. I feel as if I am living an entirely new life in which I appreciate my friends more than ever and in which in my moments of loneliness, I truly know and feel that I am not alone.

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